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<h2>Fast Food Found To Prolong Life</h2>
A local scientist has discovered that high-fat foods from local emporiums can significantly prolong the lives of ^C1 residents. "I don't know if it's the water or the cheese, but we've got tangoing octogenarians and ninety-year-old grandmas training for a marathon, and the only connection is that they all eat at fast-food joints," said Professor K. K. Qwakenbush of Blewafuse University. "One of the grandmas even made a pass at me," he added.
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In a related development, another professor claimed that he can prove that whistling while you work is the key to good digestion. Amazing scientific discoveries are running nineteen percent ahead of last year's total.  