The Times

Published Occasionally | Only a Nickel

### Dice Tossed At Local Plant

New City residents were shaken from their beds last night by an enormous explosion at the Do or Die Dice Factory. Emergency crews worked through the night sweeping up piles of dice that had been thrown for blocks. Strangely, all the dice landed like "boxcars" with six spots showing.

"Yeah, it was something," remarked Eddie Goodleboy, owner of the Do or Die. "I’m not saying I know this or nothing, but with all of dem sixes showing, I wouldn’t be surprised if Mr. Pitchfork himself was somehow involved." The collected dice were shipped to a Reno casino that had special-ordered the dice a fortnight before. The decision or whether to rebuild the exploded factory is still a toss-up.

## Little Pollution In New City

"The air is clean and so are the teeth of our citizens," said Commissioner Sashi at the Commissioner's Roundtable on Thursday morning. "Sometimes I just go driving in my car with my head out the window and my mouth wide open just to get a lungful of that good, clean air," he added.

Commissioner Sashi mentioned that he had been advising Sashi to pull his head out for years now. The meeting was adjourned with notes to have the conference table and dishware repaired. The air remained clean.

### Local Family Holds Picnic

The weather was perfect for the Van Druber family outing in one of New City’s finer pocket parks. The family of four, plus their dog Spot, arrived at their table at 10:34 AM. "We wanted to get an early start," said Jane Van Druber, wife and mother of two. "Sure, it’s only a block and a half away," added Phil Van Druber, husband and insurance salesman. "But I say, the sooner you start, the sooner you begin."

While Phil got a fire going, Jan served her special potato salad. Johnny and Suzie both agreed, "Never better," they said. Phil put five hot dogs on the grill, and performed culinary magic by cooking them to perfection. Afterwards, Johnny, Phil and Spot played catch with a Frisbee, while Jane and Suzie cleaned up. A good time was had by all, and they returned home in plenty of time to have their battery packs recharged.