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<h2>Criminals Paint the Town</h2>
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Due to inadequate prison space for housing the city's criminals, no one in ^C1 is safe from these lawbreakers, not even the police. Officer Riley Sironi was shot in the chest with a paint bullet last night, just minutes after receiving a plaque from the Citizens Against Gingivitis. "He was holding it up and smilin' real wide," said local dentist Monty Cuspikker. "I moved up near the stage so I could get a better look-see at his plaque and, Dadgummit, that's when it happened." A shot rang out and green paint gushed down the front of Sironi's Hawaiian shirt like a toxic waterfall. Above screams from the audience, a lone voice shouted, "Got you, you Turblett!" 

