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<h2>Department Store Closure Provokes Riots</h2>
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Crazed customers tipped over tables, punched each other, and fought like crazed marmots at the closing day sale at Wingnuts, the city's oldest department store. Three separate riots occurred, prompted by successive rock-bottom price sales of plumber's helpers, rubber lingerie, and fake van dykes. "I've never seen the likes of it," said local police chief Stan Unusual, "but we couldn't close the store--none of my men had been shopping yet."
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The sale-hungry cops eventually blockaded the store, though not before the nicest van dykes had already been snapped up. Wingnuts was bought out by an out-of-town entrepreneur, Silvio "Fingers" Makemidey, who plans to turn the building into a Roman spa.  